So talk reached the reporter of an outrageous piece of pre match relaxation last week.

Big Centre Court and his troops were going on a road trip. Strathaven away. That’s 40 miles and over an hour away – traffic permitting.

Better leave in plenty of time. 5.15 was the decision.
Before everyone starts feeling sympathy for the Gents 4 team. That’s 5:15 in the afternoon / evening. Not 5.15am

Where’s Big Fraz? Nowhere to be seen.
No problem thinks Big Centre, he’ll be strolling down to the tennis club. I’ll intercept him on the way as he comes out the Co-Op with a Milky Bar or a Mint Aero*

*other beautiful chocolate bars are available

No sign.

Called him. Text him. Facebooked him. Snap chatted him. Hit him up on Insta.
Even tried his Bebo & MySpace.

Nothing.

That’s ok thinks Big Centre. I’ll call Cath and find out his house number and doorstep him.

Nothing. Ghost town

So it’s time to leave. The Butterfly effect has started. Callum is standing at Lower Cardross ( Dumbarton to you and I but Lower Cardross in estate agent speak if you are selling) in the pouring rain waiting picked up.
David L is waiting at the golfie to be picked up.

Time is not our friend. Big Fraz who has a bucket full of A’s must simply have forgotten. These things happen. We’ll deal with him later.
Called his Mum. She confirms he’s fine but we don’t know where he is.

There’s only one more call to make. Aunt Karen. She’ll sort him out.
Nope. Even she is powerless to track him down.

Big Centre can’t get another player. There’s no time. He calls round the houses, lets the Strathaven captain know that Cardross will be rolling 4 deep, David L gets stood down as there’s no partner for him. He goes back to the house to continue cutting his grass – its a 14 day job- with a moist eyed look.

Big Centre picks up Callum who has no idea where Fraz is. He can’t be studying as he’s finished exams. A true mystery.

It’s now 5.45 and the brave warriors face the drive knowing they are 3-0 down.

Then it happens. The phone goes.

It’s Big Fraz.

He’s slept in.

Let that sink in. 5.45pm and Big Snoozy has slept in.
Now if this was one of the Bunnet Brothers then we could perhaps shrug it off but no it’s a 18 year old lad at the peak of his physical powers getting himself a wee
Siesta.

El Frazo our Spanish superstar getting himself a wee pre Match snooze.

Big Centre pulls in Dalreoch. Turns the car like Lewis Hamilton and picks up El Frazo before then driving like an expectant father heading to the maternity ward.

6.59 they arrive at Strathaven with David L saved from walking his own version of the grassy green mile for another evening.

El Frazo & Callum obviously won all their sets. Big Centre obviously didn’t as he was shot from weaving through the traffic setting a new PB for the Cardross to Strathaven dash.

So what happened to El Frazo?

I just slept in.

Now I can accept that excuse from a taxi driver due to get me at 4.30am but at 5.15 in the evening?

Did you have a late night Fraz?

No

You feeling ok?

Yes

You just a big snoozy?

Yes I am.

Hello. I’m Fraser and I’m a snoozeaholic.

No harm done except to Big Centres nerves and the MPG figure in his car.

Youngsters these days eh…….

Feel free to pelt him with Pro Plus tablets and Red Bull any time you see him…….

The sheer weight of match reports have bogged me down. I’m going to have to give a very quick run through of the highlights I’m aware of and then post the league positions and my summary of the situation……..

This summary could of course be absolute nonsense as very little research has been undertaken…..

Ladies 1

Normal service has resumed with the jewel in the Cardross crown continuing to win matches and promotion is looking likely into the incredibly heady heights of Division 2. Division 2 is fabled ground where players have two rackets the same, know stuff about string tension and probably don’t chug down Prosecco by the bottle post match.

I say if it ain’t broke don’t fix it girls. Prosecco it is……

I only received one picture and it was of Lorns & KT after an epic game where they won every set but needed 7 games in each one to prevail. 7-6 7-5 7-5

Ladies 2

Last time I wrote an update the Ladies had just got out of the blocks and now they have finished their season already. Jill, Ronald et al sit atop their league with the other teams doing a ‘run chase’ to see if they can catch them.

As far as I can see they are secured promotion and await to see if Kirkhill can scoop 15 sets from their last two games to overhaul our warrior princesses.

Time will tell.

The weather has been great and I did receive one photo of Jill and at home match.

Ladies 3

This looks like a very commendable mid / top half table finish. Still a few games to go and it does look as if there’s a few teams with a few more sets to come from their games in hand but I think our Ladies can be proud of this years play no matter how the cards fall.

And of course they have set the standards for the match tea to which we all aspire…..

Gents 1

This has been a tough season. Great games to watch but not any easy matches at this level. Looks likely our brave soldiers will be moonwalking back down to Div 4 this year but who knows that might re-energise the troops to bounce straight back up.

The one tragic tale which in typical style we have to raise a smile at is that after battling hard and taking Silver Medals all year our very own Keith was in pole position, one set up and 3-2 up when unfortunately he was dealt a savage blow and did his own version of ‘Devon Loch’.

When life gives you lemons guys………

Gents 2

Bawgate Jim’s trusty crew are battling on. After inflicting the first ever defeat on Kelvingrove, which went down fairly well after the guys initial shock, a couple of strong victories and promotion is a distinct possibility.

Willie is back from his overseas training camp, Harrison has finished his exams and the boys are ready for the run in.

We welcome the chase……

Gents 3

This has been a tough season as well. It looks like a relegation decider against local club Craighelen at the end of June could hold the key.

As always there’s been some great games and great entertainment all played in good spirit.

Well until Andrew pulled up lame, hobbled off court to inform Capt Wizzo he thinks he might be ok for the next game. Too late says Wiz. You’ve been replaced already. All before the sweat had dried on the bunnet.

The King is dead. Long live the King.

Gents 4

There’s a couple of stand out teams in this league who are barely dropping a set. A bit like Scottish football where we all battle to be the best of the rest our boys are currently in 3rd spot and doing well.

And before anyone else asks. Yes that tan of Graham’s is real. He’s retired man he’s just been out in the sun the whole time………honest

 

 

 

 

I think this task was easier when we had one or two teams………

Here’s my best attempt at bringing us up to date with the match reports.

Gents 1

Gents 1 hosted Titwood at Cardross last night and managed a great 5-4 victory. They have now got 13 sets from their first 3 games which is ahead of Capt Maclatchie’s budget forecast.

The main thing of note in this match was a previously unseen QUADRUPLE Rikki by young Felix in the last game. To mark this momentous occasion here’s 4 Rickys to cut out and keep……

 

• For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term ‘ Double Rikki’ or indeed now ‘Quadruple Rikki’ Iain Brown will be more than happy to educate you in the Cardross folklore next time you see him at Club Night….

Gents 2

Captain Jim finally got his merry gang out of hibernation to start their assault on Division 6B. With new recruits Willie, Max, Gazza and Harrison adding to the battle tested Stevo and Bawgate Jim.

The visitors from DL West End had a couple of games under their belt already but this didn’t stop the ‘Dross 2nds from flying out of the blocks.

Willie and Stevo being trusted to steer the ship at 1 and all was plain sailing until set 3

Still 6-3 6-3 3-6 was a fine start at first couple.

Gazza and Max were unleashed at second couple. They seem to complement each other with Gazza’s flamboyant net play being a fine side serving to Max’s heavy artillery from the baseline or anywhere else on the court.

They were playing an experienced pairing but managed to seal the deal 6-3 6-3 6-4 without too much cause for concern. Good start guys.

At third couple we had Captain Jim trying to mentor young Harrison. And young Harrison knowing he was actually tasked with mentoring Captain Jim.  After back to back double faults from Jim in the first service game, the roles were confirmed. Harrison the mentor. Jim the mentee.

They won the first two sets only losing one game with Harrison displaying some fine volleys and baseline tekkers. The third set was a bit closer but they managed to press the reset button and win 6-4. An 8-1 overall victory is a great start and hopefully a sign of things to come. Next up is Fort Matilda on Tuesday 22nd.

Gents 3

The tough season continues for Gents 3 but there was a ray of hope gain with Callum & Fraser stepping up a couple of Divisions and combining to win their rubber 2-1 away to Lenzie. Great news for the boys and the club in general. Well done both.

Gents 4

I think I might be up to date with these ones. Sitting second in league with 25 sets after 4 matches. Good solid start indeed…..

Ladies 1

Think I’m up to speed with these ones as well. Sitting second in league with 20 sets after 3 games. We still believe…..

Ladies 2

The Ladies 2nd team came out of hibernation as well. Rumours that they have been hibernating with Captain Jim’s team are completely unfounded.

What better way to shake off the rust from the winter than to have a pre match feast in the McDonalds in East Kilbride!?

Yes – Mrs Hogg – we are looking at you.

And your defence that you ‘were just having a coffee’ cuts no mustard with us here. We have photographic evidence.

So the big questions would soon be answered.

How would the team do after a long break during our bleak mid winter?

Would they cope without the talismanic youngster Mia who was injured playing Netball for our glorious nation? (Get well soon.)

Would Janet have room in the car for anyone else or just McDonalds boxes?

We didn’t have long to wait…..

Jill  & Ronald McDonald combined at first couple to ‘drive thru’ the opposition.

Both players were hitting strong McForehands, McVolleys and decent McServes.

No quarter (pounder) was asked or given and they simply filleted (o fish) the home team 6-1 6-2 6-3. At the end of the match both Jill & Ronald were extremely happy (meal). They were very keen not to make a hash (brown) of it and feel like a couple of (Mc) nuggets.

I’ll stop now……….

Second couple saw a strange game. When Catherine & Rona were easily dispatched 6-1 in the first set things looked bleak. Once again. What do I know…….

Our brave warriors fought back like Joan of Arc, Bodicca or indeed Xena, Warrior Princess.  Or her from the Hunger Games. Ironic given the feast consumed by Couple 1…….

A 6-1 4-6 4-6 victory set us up with 5 sets in the bag and one rubber still to be completed.

Lisa was playing up from the 3rd team to help out the 2nd team & partnering Mhairi at 3rd couple.
A very dominant start with the first two sets going Cardross’ way. The third set slipped away but by then the job was done. 3-6 2-6 6-3.

7-2. What a great start to the season.

Ladies 3 

The Ladies 3rd team have suffered a couple of very narrow 5-4 defeats in the last two matches. One away to Helensburgh and one at Fortress Cardross to the beautifully named ‘Anchor’.

Ever dependable Capt Gwen combined with Lesley Robertson to win 3 sets against Helensburgh in the local derby and then with Lisa Fowler to bounce back from a first set defeat to win 2-1 against Anchor.

Sara & Danielle at second got pipped 2-1 at Helensburgh and then won 2-1 at Cardross with two sets going their way on tiebreaks.

Elaine combined with Natasha at Helensburgh but met a very strong pair in a 3-0 reversal and then with new team member Patricia, ( Welcome Patricia ) but the outcome unfortunately was the same although our ladies put up very strong resistance in the 3rd set where it looked likely they may pinch the set. Ultimately it fell to the visitors in what was a very good match.

Cardross have played 4 matches and chalked up 21 sets so are in a strong position in their league.